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CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#2 (out of 4)

The Wonders of Cauliflower

There was a huge round of applause as MacLaghlin Man who was wearing a
Santa Claus hat took the stage. MacLaughlin Man just looked at the
audience and smiled. And then he pumped his fist in the air, which drew
an even louder response.

"Damn. What an audience! I'm telling you people. This is going to be
a great show! You won't believe the surprise guest I've got lined up.
You might have read about his name in the paper. But first -- Well it's
the holiday season and you know people occasionally walk up to me in the
street and ask me questions. And one of those questions is, Why am I so
darn harsh against the LNH? And well folks, that's a fair question."

"Over the years I've called LNH'rs all sorts of things. Psychopathic
Serial Killers, Drugdealing Crack Whores, Wife Swapping Atheists,
Cannibal Necrophiliacs, IRS Auditing Transvestites, and my own personal
Favorite: Frenchloving Devil Worshippers. And that might sound a bit
harsh, but it's the truth. And that's what the MacLaughlin Man Show is
about. The truth. You won't get that liberal media bias here. You'll
just get the God fearing Apple Pie loving truth and nothing but the
truth. So help me God. Amen."

"Another thing people off the street ask me is, Are the LNH'rs all bad?
And a few weeks ago I might have answered, Yep, rotten to the core
every last single one of them. But. Recently, I met an LNH'r who made
me change my mind. This LNH'r is so good, pure, and innocent that I
thought to myself, this guy couldn't possibly be an LNH'r. He's just
too damn good. A good LNH'r? That's an oxymoron isn't. But this guy's
the real deal. A true American hero in a den of liars and thieves."

"I want you people to give a big hand to who might be the greatest
living hero of today's generation! I want you to give a big hand to the
One. The Only. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!!"

The entire studio stood up and began clapping as loud as they possible
could as a small black and white dog took the stage. There were hoots,
hollers, shrieks, and a few, "I want to have your baby, Cauliflower! I
want to have your baby!!"

"I'm glad you could make it, Cauliflower. Well. The first question I
guess I'd like to ask is, What's it like being the only LNH'r with a
conscience and a shred of decency?"

"Rrrufff!" barked Cauliflower.

"I'll bet it is," smirked MacLaughlin Man.

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"Oh, man what a night!" Frat Boy said as he sat at a table with
Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster in the LNH cafeteria. "Damn. That was
some party."

Sarcastic Lad nodded. "You should have been there, Rob. It was
something else. All those celebrities. Those chicks. God, these
chicks were some of the hottest I've ever seen. And I'm not being
sarcastic. Man, Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch has become the
King of the Net.ropolis Night Life. It's amazing the connections that
dog has. And oh, you've got to hear this story about Ben Affleck. Tell
him Frats."

Frat Boy laughed. "Oh yeah, man. Ben Affleck was there. And he really
wanted to pet Cauliflower. I mean he really wanted to pet Cauliflower.
He was really excited about it. So Sarc pulls him aside and asks him
if he's had his rabies shot. And he's confused and says, I didn't know
I needed a rabies shot. And Sarc says, Sorry Mr. Affleck, but until you
get your rabies shot we can't let you pet Cauliflower. And so he says,
Okay, I guess I'll go get a rabies shot then. And so he goes. And
that's the last we ever see of him."

"Funny story," Master Blaster said with his face still buried in the
Mid.Net Star paper.

"Well, don't go killing yourself with laughter, Rob," Sarcastic Lad said
as he took a sip of coffee. "Anyway, these chicks there -- were in
Panta's class in terms of looks. This one chick, she took me to this
room and she must have had some kind of latent mutant tongue ability
because the things she did with her tongue no human could possibly do.
I swear -- she took me to heights of ecstasy I wasn't aware were possible."

"That's interesting," Master Blaster said with his face still buried in
the Mid.Net Star paper.

"But enough about us. So what exciting things did you do last night,
Rob. Come on. Don't leave us in suspense."

"Oh, well I.. umm... mumblemumblemumblemumblemumbled."

"What was that?" Sarcastic Lad said holding his hand to his ear. "I
couldn't quite hear you."

"I *said* I spent the night at home with wReanna and we watched
Desperate Chatroom Wives," Master Blaster said in a very irritated tone.
"Are you satisfied?"

"Whoahh! And I thought we were living it up Frats! But I guess Rob's
still the Supreme Party Master around here!"

"Shut up! Just shut up if you know what's good for you, Sarc," Master
Blaster said as the poor paper in his hands was getting very, very crumpled.

Frat Boy remembered something. "Hey, Teri Hatcher was there too.
Whoahh. Rob? What did I say? Rob? Why are you sobbing?"

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"You're probably wondering why we've called you here, Cauliflower the
Christmas Miracle Pooch," said a mysterious shadowy figure behind a desk
in a poorly lit shabby looking room.

"We're from Democratic National Committee. We've been studying you for
a couple weeks now. And we think you might be the dog we're looking
for. Why have we been watching you? Well. We want you to run for
President. Now of course there's the whole problem of dogs not being
allowed to run for President, but we think we can convince the
Republicans to change the rules if we go along with their changing the
rules so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run."

"I won't sugar coat it. We need someone that the people actually like.
And people like you, Cauliflower. We need you. We need you bad. You
don't have to give us an answer right away. Just think about it. Just
think about it. And think about this. President Jebidecimal Luthor.
That's a scary thought, isn't it? Very scary."

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"Oh come on! The 'Mr. Paprika, now that's a man's pop' has got to be
the greatest LNH in-joke of all time!" Mainstream Man exclaimed.

"Maybe for the low brow masses, Mainstream Man," argued Adamant
Authority-on-Everything, "But for the people who seek a richer more
intellectual experience from their in-jokes I'd say, 'What would Gamer
Boy think?' is the one to beat. It's not only an in-joke; it's also a
profound philosophical question. Let's face it, Mainstream Man. I'm
right, and you're wrong."

"Hey," Mainstream Man said noticing that Cauliflower the Christmas
Miracle Pooch had entered the room. "Let's get Cauliflower's opinion.
Hey, Cauliflower! What is the best LNH in-joke of all time?"

Cauliflower thought about this for a bit and then finally barked an
answer. "Woof! Woof!"

"Wow," Adamant Authority-on-Everything said in awe. "That is a good
point. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Well," said Mainstream Man who was also stunned by the brilliance of
Cauliflower's argument. "I guess that settles once and for all what the
greatest LNH in-joke of all time is."

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Later at The Echo Lad Memorial Memorial Children's Children's Hospital
Hospital -

"Misty? I've got some visitors for you."

A girl in a hospital bed woke up slightly. Her eyes squinted towards
the shining light of the door. There was the nurse and some guy in a
costume. Some kind of superhero.